When parents sink into themselves – How depression changes the family and what children need

Depression has many faces. It doesn't always cry. Sometimes it lies silently on the couch. Sometimes it speaks irritably, coldly, or not at all. Often it gets up in the morning, but is absent the entire day. This is upsetting for children—especially when no one explains what's wrong.

Depression is not crying, but an inner withdrawal

Depression is a serious mental illness that alters thinking, feeling, behavior, and perception. It is not a sad phase, but rather a state of inner exhaustion. Often, the world is no longer sad—it is empty, meaningless, and dark.

Depressed people feel like they're "behind glass." Their perception narrows, their concentration dwindles, and their motivation dries up. It's difficult to make decisions, get out of bed, hold a conversation, or even smile.

Depressed people aren't lazy, unloving, or selfish. But their gaze is directed inward—toward their own survival, to their own suffering. Other people, including their own children, fade into the background. Not because they're unimportant—but because the illness takes up so much space that there's barely any room for others.

Children sense when something is wrong – always

Even if no one says it, children immediately notice when the emotional atmosphere changes. Parents' body language, their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their silence—all of this has an impact. And children who are emotionally dependent almost always interpret their parents' behavior as referring to themselves.

What children can experience:

• Guilt: “Mom is sad because of me.”

• Fear: "Dad is different somehow. Maybe he'll leave us."

• Self-doubt: “If they really liked me, they would laugh with me.”

• Over-responsibility: “I have to save her.” – “I can’t be sad now, too.”

• Helplessness: "I don't know what to do. I'm alone."

Many children develop mature behaviors early on—they care for siblings, complete chores, and try to "function." Others react with tantrums, school problems, physical complaints, or emotional withdrawal. All of these are understandable reactions to an insecure emotional attachment.

Why depressed parents often no longer perceive their children properly

A central aspect of depression is self-centeredness—not in the sense of selfishness, but as a consequence of the illness. Thoughts revolve around guilt, failure, fear, and meaninglessness. This makes it difficult to recognize, interpret, and respond empathetically to the emotional signals of others—including those of children.

In psychological terms, this is called impaired mentalization: the ability to empathize with others becomes unbalanced under stress or illness. This leads to children and their needs becoming invisible—even though they are physically present.

We often observe typical reactions:

• Stimuli are misinterpreted: A normal child's need (e.g. closeness, questions, attention) is experienced as an imposition.

• Attention is lacking: parents withdraw, avoid eye contact, physical contact, and conversations.

• Behavior is overvalued or devalued: A tantrum is interpreted as malice, not as a cry for help.

The result is profound insecurity in the child – which often manifests itself in psychosomatic complaints or problematic behavior.

Depression is a family disease – without guilt, but with responsibility

Depression affects not only the individual, but the entire system. When a parent becomes ill, the family climate changes. Routines break down, communication becomes more difficult, and children sense that "something is wrong" – but they don't have the words to explain it.

The important thing is: children are never to blame.

But they need support—even when the sick parent is currently unable to provide it. This is precisely where the responsibility of other adults in the care setting begins.

What children need – especially in times of parental depression

1. Simple, honest words

   Children should know that Mom or Dad is sick—but not because they did something wrong. A child-friendly explanation could be:

   "Mom has an illness that alters her thoughts and feelings. She's sad or tired without you doing anything wrong."

2. Reliable routines

   When everything inside is shaky, external structures provide support. Regular mealtimes, bedtime routines, and recurring activities help maintain a sense of security.

3. Emotional companions

   When the sick parent is unavailable, children need other caregivers—grandparents, godparents, teachers, therapists. Anyone who listens and is constantly there helps.

4. Space for feelings

   Children are allowed to be angry, sad, confused, or afraid – even if their parents don't seem strong at the moment. Emotions need space. Those who suppress them will suffer later.

5. Relief from responsibility

   No child should feel the need to "rescue" or "cheer up" their parent. Love, not responsibility, should be the bond.

What parents can do – even in the middle of the illness

Nobody demands perfection. Not even when depressed. But small, conscious steps can make a big difference:

• Speak honestly, even if briefly. A sentence like "I can't be there for you right now, but I love you very much" is clearer than silence.

• Get help – and show it. When a child sees mom or dad getting support, it conveys that asking for help is allowed.

• Let your child be a child. They don't need therapy, comforting, or taking over.

• Allow closeness whenever possible. Even a quick caress, a cuddle on the sofa, a "I'm here" without many words works.

Help offers – anonymous, low-threshold, close to everyday life

If you don’t have the strength to actively search yourself, the following first points of contact can help:

• Parents’ helpline: 0800 111 0 550 (free and anonymous)

• Online advice from Caritas, Diakonie, Pro Familia

• Family centers, youth welfare offices with family support, parenting counseling

• Child and adolescent psychotherapists with a focus on family work

• Psychiatric outpatient clinics (PIA) in hospitals

• Systemic family therapy – also available as mobile or outreach support

Conclusion: (When parents sink into themselves – How depression changes the family and what children need then)

Depressed parents don't always appear sad or crying. They often display listlessness, irritability, feelings of guilt, or indifference – even toward their own children. Children often fill these emotional gaps with their own interpretations ("It's my fault," "I have to help," "I can't be a burden") – and this is precisely where psychological distress begins, sometimes lasting for years.

Untreated depression can destroy relationships, severely impact the parent-child relationship, and even lead to depressive thought and behavior patterns spreading to other family members. In medical terms, this is referred to as "co-collapse" or "emotional co-involvement" : people in the immediate environment unconsciously take on symptoms or become overwhelmed themselves.

That's why it's crucial to take your responsibility as a parent seriously . Depression is not a failure, but a treatable illness—but only if it's recognized and taken seriously. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but an act of caring—for yourself and your children.

Because children don't need complete strength—they need adults who face their weaknesses. Therapy can open the space for this: with professional support, without judgment, but with a clear perspective.

Only those who recognize their own darkness can prevent it from being passed on to the next generation.

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When parents sink into themselves – How depression changes the family and what children need