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Gaslighting is a subtle but profound form of manipulation that involves systematically questioning a person's perceptions, memories, and feelings. When parents use this on their children, it can have serious psychological consequences—especially when repeated over years.
Gaslighting by parents
An example: A 16-year-old and her mother
Anna is 16 years old. She often feels misunderstood and emotionally insecure. Her mother regularly tells her things like:
"You just imagined it."
“I never said that – you always twist everything!”
"You're way too sensitive, you're totally exaggerating."
Every time Anna expresses her feelings or describes a situation, her mother corrects her or tells her that she is wrong. Anna begins to doubt herself. She asks herself: Am I really too sensitive? Did I just imagine it? Is there something wrong with me?
When does gaslighting become unhealthy?
Gaslighting may be subtle at first, but over time it has a toxic effect. The key is:
Chronic self-doubt: When a child constantly doubts his or her own perceptions, he or she loses confidence in his or her own judgment.
Emotional imbalance: The affected person often develops anxiety, feelings of guilt or the feeling of never being good enough.
Shattered self-perception: One's own identity becomes uncertain because the child can no longer distinguish what is real and what is not.
Gaslighting in Therapy – a Barrier to Healing
When Anna begins therapy, her mother's behavior can significantly hinder progress. In therapy, Anna learns to take her own feelings seriously and validate her perceptions. But as soon as she returns home, she is taught the opposite. Her mother undermines the therapeutic work by questioning Anna's newfound self-confidence. In such cases, it may be necessary to address the mother's influence and to empower Anna to internally distance herself from it.
Long-term consequences: What will Anna be like as an adult? Gaslighting by parents
Low self-esteem: Anna may have difficulty trusting her own perceptions and making decisions.
Emotional dependence: She may end up in toxic relationships where her emotions are manipulated again.
Excessive self-criticism: A constant feeling of not being good enough can lead to anxiety or depressive moods.
How do parents recognize that they are (unconsciously) gaslighting?
Not all parents who gaslight do so intentionally. Often it is a learned behavior pattern from their own childhood or an attempt to maintain control. Warning signs are:
The child is regularly considered “too sensitive” or “overly emotional.”
The child’s memories or experiences are systematically questioned.
After a conversation, the child feels more confused or insecure than before.
Your own emotions as a parent determine which feelings are “acceptable” for your child.
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"Ga slighting in everyday life" by Christoph Hohenfels: How to recognize subtle, psychological and emotional manipulation in personal and professional relationships.
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What parents can change:
Take the child's feelings seriously: Instead of downplaying the emotions, ask: "What hurt you so much about it?"
Reflect on your own insecurities: Questions like “Why do I react like this? What influences from my childhood influence me?” help you to act more consciously.
Allow the child to accept his or her reality: Even if you perceive a situation differently, it is important to say: “I understand that you experienced it that way.”
Conclusion
Gaslighting by parents is a destructive form of manipulation that can have long-term consequences for a child's mental health. It is crucial that those affected learn to view their own perceptions as valid again and to distance themselves from harmful influences - a process that often requires therapeutic support. Parents should be aware that their words have a profound impact on their child's development and actively strive to create an environment of trust and emotional security.
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