Angry, loud, and totally normal – Why emotional self-regulation in children isn't a one-button project!

Welcome to reality: Most parents want a child who is balanced, polite, self-reflective, and always emotionally stable – ideally by the age of three. A bit like a little monk with a lunchbox. Unfortunately, that's not how child development works. And thankfully! Strong emotions are part of growing up – they're not a malfunction, but a completely normal part of maturation.

What is emotional self-regulation anyway?

Emotional self-regulation is the ability to perceive one's own feelings, name them, and ultimately control them so that one doesn't overwhelm oneself or others. Adults can do this – well, most of the time. Children? Not by a long shot. Especially in preschool and elementary school age, brain areas like the prefrontal cortex are still "in the making." And that means: anger, sadness, shame, and disappointment often hit like tsunamis.

"Could you please calm down?" – Why it rarely works

Many parents believe that children can quickly regulate themselves with admonitions ("Calm down!") or well-intentioned tips ("Count to ten"). That would be nice. But children first need co-regulation —that is, the support of an emotionally stable caregiver. Only when a child regularly experiences that they are not alone with strong feelings will they develop the ability to self-regulate in the long term.

"Is this still normal?" – What goes with certain phases

• Defiant phase (autonomy phase): Between the ages of 2 and 4, emotional outbursts are commonplace. The child is testing their limits – and discovering their own emotions. Yes, it's annoying. But it's important.

• Elementary school age: This is where children slowly learn to name their feelings and gain some distance from them. "I'm angry" replaces the earlier screaming—at least sometimes.

• Puberty: Hello, hormonal chaos. Self-regulation is often severely challenged during this phase – partly because the brain is undergoing further remodeling. Patience is not a luxury here, but a must.

When does it become problematic?

Of course, there are also cases where emotional regulation is persistently difficult – despite favorable conditions. This may be an indication of:

• an impulse disorder ,

• ADHD ,

• early childhood trauma or

• autistic processing patterns .

Family pressures , high levels of stress, separations, or constant overexertion in everyday life can also make regulation difficult. Recognizing this often takes time—and honest conversations.

"Can this be treated?" – No. But you can grow from it.

A common wish: A few sessions, a few tips – and the child will "function" again. But self-regulation is a maturation process, not an app. Therapy, especially when it works systemically, focuses not only on the child , but also on:

• family interactions ,

• Parent-child dynamics ,

• Everyday structures , stresses, resources,

• and the social environment such as school or kindergarten.

Therapy can provide inspiration, relieve stress, and reveal patterns—but it's not a "quick fix for troubled children." It's about sustainable development, not push-button adaptation.

What can be observed at kindergarten age

It is worth taking a closer look if children:

• very often “freak out” and can’t calm down,

• cannot be calmed down at all (not even by close relatives),

• react excessively anxiously or aggressively,

• show strong physical reactions to emotions (nausea, shortness of breath, freezing),

• cannot control impulses (e.g. immediately hitting, screaming, running away),

• or permanently stand out socially (constantly in conflict, withdrawal, exclusion).

Then it makes sense to get support early on – not out of concern for “good behavior,” but for the child’s emotional well-being.

Conclusion: Children are not small adults – and that’s a good thing.

Feelings are part of life. And children who express their feelings out loud aren't "difficult," they're just developing. They don't need immediate correction, but a safe partner to accompany them. And sometimes even therapeutic support that focuses not just on the child, but on the entire system.

So yes, a well-adjusted child is a nice wish. But a child who is allowed to express emotions and grow from them – that's much more valuable.

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